<font color="#000088"> ok.. look... i know i have been doubting my T over and over. i know i have problems trusting him. Ugh.. i know. But how can i tell real concerns from those things?

you see... i am very concerned about the emotional stuff lately... the empathetic connection. i keep trying but i'm not feeling it.. i'm not feeling that sense of being held.

i dunno.. maybe it's me.. maybe it's part of that brokeness.. maybe it's a part of me that doesn't work right.. or a part that is unmet need that can never be soothed

it seems like such a simple thing... all i want is a direct engagment, looking intently, speaking softly, being gentle... being feeling and not being thinking ...if that makes any sense... heart vs brain i guess. i want someone to look past the outter cerebral me.. and see the feeling me.. i'm not able to step out there myself at this point.

He says he does see me.. that he does hear me. i described it like being locked in a box and yelling for someone to hear... and he says he does. He says he does.. and i hear the words, but i don't feel that he does. It's how he's saying it i think.. it's said so... thinking. Maybe i just can't hear him? He asks me to ask myself why i doubt that he can hear me.. why do i return to this over and over? He says that sometimes we arrive at the mutual conclusion that he does hear me and i am ok with it... then we go around again.

so after weeks of trying to get my point across but being hampered by my own limitations, lack of skill and denfenses.. i am wondering if this T can do what i am asking. He has hit it on occasion, but i seem unable to make him understand just what i felt was right about those.. i can't just get it out somehow... i've even tried getting close to what i said above.. and trust me, it was so very very hard to do so.

i dunno.

i adore him. i truly do. He's smart, funny and obviously caring. i think he actually does what he does because he likes to help people. He says he enjoys challenges. Boy. He got one when he got me. i fight him every tep of the way.. i don't mean to but i do. Even he has acknowledged that in a way. i told him he would find that i would resist him and he said he wouldn't find it later because he found it already oops.

i am lost. He is one of the best in the area from what i can gather. He is in the right age range for me (an important criteria).. and he is open minded and flexible about how he does things.. not boxed into vanilla CBT. He's very very honest (another important criteria) and has admitted his own feelings or short-comings. It all makes me feel i am in the right place... except for this... and i can't seem to get past this.

am i just resisting him? am i just not trusting him? am i just broken?.... or is the relationship just not right?

i'm feeling very depressed lately... deeply and dangerously depressed. i would be heart-broken to leave him, but i'd be so confused and disoriented if it's just me. Six of one and a half a dozen of the other, as my mother would say. (just means 50/50)

i'm so deeply sad. </font>