When I was younger I would liken myself to a hard wood . If you scratched me it did not make a mark. As I have aged I became a soft wood. Now scratches left a mark. Sometimes a very deep mark .

Today ... I am a veneer , the cover hides what is underneeth with a false top. If you scratch me (as happened today) it goes straight thru and there is nothing to stop it .

The helplessness to keep it together is exposed , the weakness is there for all to see , I feel so frail , physically shaking , withdrawing from everyone , hiding . Wanting to crawl in bed and pull the covers up and over . Praying when I do it will be over .

I thought I was so well , so strong , but like a leaf it only took a stiring wind to blow off my mask. I don't believe it will ever be safe for me. I am so tired from lying to myself and others .

Not to worry the Tigger will go on . It feels like defeat and so depressing but what else is there .