T,

It's easy for YOU. You've many patients, we're your WORK. At the end of the day, you have lots of friends, supportive colleagues, close confidantes, loving family.

I wish to get rid of this effing attachment. You're so important to me and I know this is a contrived, fake relationship. I know you don't like it when I say this relationship is fake, but I DON'T CARE. You will never choose us patients over the people you love and who love you. That's why I'm not the only patient saying "you only care because it's your job to care".

I wish I can just see you as a professional like some others can. Just you doing a job. Like how I go to the GP for the flu.

You matter so much to me and I don't believe I matter to you. I only matter a tiny bit because I'm part of your job. Just like the 40++ patients on your caseload.

You give me compassion, empathy, attunement, care. You say where there's care, there is love. But maybe for YOU because so many people care about AND love you, and you the same. But not for me. I don't have that. Care is NOT love, I know that from life experience.

All I get is a taste of "agape love" and the contrast with the rest of my life HURTS. Wants that can never be sated, voids that can never be filled, loss which can never be healed.