Quote:
Originally Posted by reb569
I absolutely feel a lot of shame and guilt for the abuse I went through starting from my first memory until a few years after I left home and had gone into the Air Force to escape (I had a knack for getting into bad situations, and alcohol was my friend and partner in a lot of those situations). I also feel a lot of anger.
I have several memories of abuse that I have never shared with anyone. I honestly don't know if I can. I have a constant dialog in my mind, where I am telling a faceless person what happened, but I have never been able to tell my therapist, or friends, or even my husband. One event I don't feel much guilt about, I was only 10 at the time, but events that happened when I was 15 and 16, and in later years, I feel that I had some ability to control, and could have avoided if I really tried. Well realistically the incidents at 15 or 16 I didn't have control over, and unfortunately, my "best friend", who witnessed these events, did nothing to help me at the time.
|
Hi there! I'm a HUGE Anne Rice fan and love and relate to the quote in your siggy.
I can see why the teenage years are less easy to deal with for sure. I still have lots of stuff from my childhood (under 10) that I feel shame and guilt over and can't talk about. Stuff that I logically know wasn't my fault but emotionally I still feel it is for whatever reason. My old best friend watched me being attacked and did nothing too.....I'm so sorry you experienced this kind of betrayal also. Trust is hard to come by when those you love the most stand by and do nothing. My husband knows about everything, but I was always drinking when I told him. I often wonder if I drank just to get it out and if I should drink before therapy to help me release it. Other times I feel I'm so lucky because nobody really knows except the people involved and that it should stay that way forever. Is it really going to help me to talk about this with a practical stranger? Part of me feels it will, the other is certain it will make things so much worse in the end.