When I first started in therapy about a year ago during my daughter's first hospitalization, I was in a crisis stage. I welcomed those visits because she was very good at talking me down and helping me cope with what was going on. I never once from March to late November or early December of last year regretted going to see her. I always left feeling better than I did when I got there.

I have mixed feelings about my session on Thursday. I'm sure we will "catch-up" on how my daughter is doing, but my main goal for this session is to try to figure out what the next steps are for me.

There really isn't much I can do for my daughter than I already have. The ones that can help her are her PDoc, her therapist and her friends. I really just wait for cues from her that she wants my help with something. If I suggest something, she usually goes the other way.

I talked to her PDoc earlier this week about some meds she's on for a sinus infection, and the fact that the paperwork for one mentioned impacts on labwork results since she is due a round of bloodwork for Tegratol and Desipramine levels and in that conversation we discussed some of my fears and he really validated a lot of my thoughts. I'm never quite sure that I'm doing the right thing because of my anxiety, but he really helped me to understand that what I'm doing right now is just fine. He is very good at talking me down. I tend to worry about a specific thing with my daughter and it runs through my mind constantly for hours at a time, and then at some point is eases off and then returns again. Then, at some point I work through that and then something else comes up and I do the same thing. He helped me understand that my worries are valid. Not the way I self-torture myself with them though.

We actually had a phone conversation back in December when I was in a major anxiety attack and he stayed on the phone with me for a half hour basically talking me through it. Poor guy.

Anyway, one of my current concerns about starting back up with therapy is that I wonder if I am going to derail the process by constantly turning the topic to my daughter? I wonder if I'm even ready to start working on me? It might be better to wait until she's recovered more and I have worked through more of my fears, and my stress and anxiety levels are back to a more normal (for me) level. I guess that's what I'm going to try to discuss with her on Thursday. Is it even worth going to therapy now?