I'm so sorry for what you are going through with your mom Trisha. I can't imagine and I'm deeply sorry. I cut my brother off about 4 years ago and it's a real struggle not to reach out and try to heal the relationship but with lots of introspection, I've decided it's in all our best interests not to be around each other. I guess my problem is, I don't know what I want. Well, that's not right either, I do know I WANT to be better, I just don't know what road will take me there, or if it's even possible. I want to have less paranoia about people, I want to feel safe and at ease. I want to forgive and learn and grow healthier and stronger. And if I can't have any of these things no matter what I do, I want to be able to recognize this truth and then focus on learning to accept myself with all these flaws and pains and seeping wounds, ....happiness and euphorias and oddities. It might not be an ideal package or one I'd construct if it were as easy as building my mind and body on some internet website, but it's a more fortunate package than some people are born into so perhaps I just need to focus on being grateful for all I do have ......that sounds like a good plan either way but how exactly do I do that I wonder.