I know how it is man, you are just trying to survive like most of us who have been hurt.

Believe me, I've done the same thing. I've never had a stable long term relationship in my life because all I've done throughout most of my adult life is use people who cared about me to sate my need for human connection without putting myself at risk of "getting hurt". The closest thing I've ever had to a "normal" relationship with a woman is unstable short term flings with a couple of women that were just as messed up as me that ended with me feeling more hurt than before because I don't think a "normal" person could possibly understand or love somebody like me. Now I don't give a damn about emotional intimacy, just give me sex and leave me the hell alone afterwards.

Now, I hide in online video game worlds and I have pretty much ran out of people to use so I'm now obsessed with this idea of becoming a famous twitch streamer and YouTuber or even competing in a tournament or two for cash and sponsorships so I can seem more appealing to people and be respected for the only thing that I think I'm good at; playing video games. Not to mention, twitch streamers and YouTubers make a killing and some of the game tournaments have hundreds of thousands or millions of dollars of cash prizes and between the raving fangirls that would fawn over me and the money that I would have to hire prostitutes, I would never be short of female contact.

So yeah, I understand what you're going through. You're not a bad person; you're merely a hardened survivor.