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i want someone to look past the outter cerebral me.. and see the feeling me.

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This comment maybe be real off base but here it is anyway.

Do you have different modes of operations? Do you think that maybe your T is responding in a way that matches the mode of
operation you bring to therapy?

I'm just thinking out loud here so if it sounds stupid maybe it is :-)

I'm finding that there are actually two version of me--at least that I am aware of: the "feeling me" and the "problem solver me". The "feeling me" is open and receptive to my feelings, is the one that wants intimacy and a connection on an emotional level. The "feeling me" doesn't come out much..usually only when I am alone at 3 AM.

When I go to therapy I am usually in problem solver mode. I'm direct but tend to filter or withhold thoughts that occur during the session. I'm kind of all business. I quickly dismiss stuff as irrelevant non-sense and am focused less on understanding underlying motives and more on 'what do I do about it'. I think my T responds to this by listening and offering perspectives and solution ideas. In essence responding in a way that matches my mode of operation. For me when I am in problem-solver mode it is like my feelings and emotions are turnoff some how. She has asked me on several occasions how something makes me feel or how I felt when?.. I can't answer these questions when I am in problem-solver mode. I only seem to be able to describe my actions or how I responded in the situation--not what I was feeling or thinking. It's like I'm in a 3rd person mode.

I'm sure my T knows that somewhere in my head is the "feeling me" that is influencing my behavior. I've written to her a few times at 3AM while in my "feeling me" mode. When she asks me questions in therapy about what I wrote I think she is trying to interact with me on that level. But I have trouble because-- I'm in a different mode. Later when I'm back in "feeling me" mode I desperately want to respond to her questions but its too late. I wish I could some how bring the "feeling me" to therapy once in a while but I haven't been able to do it yet.

What I am trying to say is maybe your T is responding to you in a way that matches your mode of operation in therapy. Maybe a few times he was able to briefly connect to the other side of you that is hidden in therapy and you were able to receive the signal. Could that be what your saying when you mention "He has hit it on occasion." Maybe through more trial and error the two of you will figure out how to make this connection more often and amplify it.

Sorry if what I'm saying doesn't make sense or totally doesn't apply.