Hi Beta I am very in tune with your story. I grew up with my dad not around he was too busy chasing women and getting messed up. I did however grow up with a stepfather that was very abusive. It still affects me almost daily. I think my mom married him so that us kids could have a decent life because he had money. She passed away in 1998 at age 50. I think she made the ultimate sacrifice. Alot of times i loath myself so bad that it is hard to even get out of bed and go to work. But i have to because i have three adult children that need me. My wife and kids love me very much this I know. I have tried so many meds that haven't worked. I know that cold dark place, it haunts me almost daily. But i believe in myself and somehow find the strength to continue on this journey. Always Remember that you are not alone. It is difficult to find that peace if 0nly for a moment. Enjoy that moment and remember what it feels like. Life is a beautiful thing. You are here for a reason make the most out of every day. Tomorrow is a new day try to let go of the past and believe in yourself you are worthy. Because at the end of the day it doesn't matter what others think. I hope this makes some kind of sense to you. Always here!!