Hi all. I'm having a really really hard time this month. December is always hard for me. My mom died 5 years ago, and her birthday was the 10th of this month. The two hardest days of the year for me are her birthday and her anniversary. Usually her birthday doesn't bother me as much because birthdays are happy days. But this year it did.

Two years ago I was living with the guy that I ended up marrying and then leaving, and we had to get out of a bad situation in a hurry, so we had a yard sale. I sold all of my families christmas decorations.....all the ornaments, all the cards my mom kept - everything. The lady that bought it was like, "are you sure you want to sell this?" and I just wanted everything gone. My dad had sold the house I grew up in and had given me only a few days to get anything I wanted. It had been a mad dash but I got everything he left at the house. And then turned around and sold it. I know I shouldn't be beating myself up over possesions, but they were my mom's! I remember her telling me stories about certain ornaments and stuff. I ended up keeping her favorite one, thank god I had the frame of mind to take it out of the box and now it's on my new tree. Aside from all of that, when I left my husband, he took a bunch of my stuff, most of it I don't care about, but he took some of her jewlery. Her class ring from the same high school I went to, and an antique opal ring, that my mom hid from her sister because she wanted me to have it. I think about those two things repeatedly, and now all the christmas stuff too. I'm managing to make my new stuff special, like I embroidered stockings for my boyfriend and me, and we shopped for the tree decorations together last year. This Christmas is going to be so much better then the last. We actually have presents under the tree. Last year we wrapped the empty ornament boxes because we were too poor for Christmas. So this is a much better year! So why do I feel so sad!!!

How can I get over the lost possesions? I need to put it behind me and move on. I think I'm missing my mom more because my life is going so much better and she's not here to see it, to share it with me. My boyfriend and I talk about the future, having kids, etc. And I think, I can't ask my mom what it was like for her when she was pregnant. She won't be able to give me any advice. She won't see my children.

I guess it makes sense to be more sad when life is good. For so long after she died, I was doing poorly. I wouldn't have wanted her to see me then. I think that maybe that's why I didn't get very sad, never really grieved.

I don't know all. I just need to know that I'll be ok, that yes, this too shall pass. I know that deep down, but I can't get over the sadness. Last night I had a great time doing karaoke with my best friend, but the sadness would just creep in.

No, I don't see a therapist. I know that will be everyone's first question. The reason I don't is because this is natural grief, and the one time I went, they medicated me. I can't find anyone I can just talk to, which is all I need. I've done really well in the past getting through these sad spells on my own. I'm just having a tough time of it now. I need to talk to her. I've done that before. But I haven't felt her. I can't go to the cemetary. It doesn't comfort me at all. She was put in a mosoleum and when she and my dad bought her spot, it wasn't built yet. So she's in a temporary spot. They'll move her when the new building is built. I know she was ok with that, but I'm not. I mean I don't believe she's there, I know I can talk to her anywhere, but I do believe in "final resting places" and she's not there.

Ugh, I'm sorry this is so long. I had to make myself reach out. I joined these forums for a reason, but I haven't shared. Only to a few people and I only just scratched the surface. I don't know why I've been unable to tell my story. So here it is.

Now to make myself hit continue. =)
Thank you all for listening.

-Rayna