i'll try to remember everything...

mckell.. you described what i have said to my T many times. Feeling me vs thinking me. i cannot bring feeling me out for him. She's in here banging on the walls crying out and no one can hear. i leave messages at 3am.. literally. Left one last night. will leave one again today.

he is responding to that mode.. absolutely.. and i can't blame him. What i can't seem to get across is that if *he* switched modes it would force me to switch as well. i'm certain of it.. i can't force it, but he could easily. That is what i am begging for because i don't know how to do it myself and my feeling side is withered and battered.. that side desperately needs attention.

Perna.. do you see what i mean above? i know he isn't a player exactly.. i see him less like a cheerleader though.. more like the medics than run out. i need him to see.. i need him to feel that broken leg, not give me play strategies (how in god's name did we end up with sports analogies? i hate sports..oh well)

pink.. you're right. i am always feeling pressed for time, because i still haven't shaken this fear of him kicking me out... but he even said one day that we hadn't been together that long.. that this sometimes takes a long time to build. On one level i can grasp that, but i have a severe problem...

i can't post about the issue itself.. only in chat. i can't risk being found here. It would cause potential risk for me and definite pain for another. Some of you know about it. i'm sorry for being cryptic.

thing is... this issue... it's a now thing. It's here now.. not later... it's not waiting for me to build a relationship with T. That's a big problem... i need him and i can't let myself need him yet. i need support so bad. i know he can't fix me.. i just need tenderness so bad.. i can't just tell him that, and you're all right, he can't read my mind. i really am broken.

inside right now i wish i was dead. i would take physical pain over this any day. i hurt so bad.

i was saying to T the other day how i wish to god i could cry and let some of this emotional pressure off... but having a meltdown in the produce aisle was not what i had in mind.

i had to hurry through the store and make it to my car. i bit my lip so hard to forget the pain inside. It was all the xmas stuff... it was everywhere... on the speakers too. My first xmas. It makes me feel like throwing up or throwing myself from the bridge nearby. i can't do this. T can't help.. not this.. he can't be here at 3am. What could he do anyway? You're right.. he can't fix me. He can't fix the situation. He can't make it stop.

oh god... how i hurt.