im not sure how i am. physically my health is crap at the moment, but idk how i feel mentally exactly. im still depressed but saw my T today and she commented how i looked good, put together and seemed to have more positive energy. which is not how i feel at all. If she had seen me yesterday w greasy hair and wearing yoga pants to work maybe she wouldve had a different opinion? or maybe the lamictal increase is helping some and i just cant see it? idk.

she did ask if i was feeling suicidal, and i said how i just had some ideation but no intentions of actually doing anything. she asked what my thoughts were of, and i was actually mostly honest, which is very unlike me. So i told her <trigger>

that i thought about driving into a brick wall at top speed. to which she replied "well that is very graphic" or something like that. to her credit she didnt really react in any obvious way, considering ive never shared these thoughts w her before. but she did write something down which freaked me out a little bc she never takes much notes during our actual sessions.

i think she probably thought i was gonna say something benign like i think about going to sleep and not waking up. perhaps that's what i should have said. bc after that she started acted overly concerned and stuff. i may be a fuucking mess, but i am not an emergency...