I figured I would introduce myself. My name is Crystal, I am a mother of 3, recently married to my long term partner of 13 years,(however, we seperated for about 3 years) I have suffered abuse in some form or another pretty much my whole life.

My husband himself used to be abusive, however he has grown up and learned from it, and has tried to mentor others about it also. But the abuse that has affected me most is the abuse that came from my mother.

While I will not make excuses for my husband, because there is no excuse for abuse, I can tell some reasons in why he thought it was ok to treat me like he did, he himself grew up being abused by his father, and watching his father abuse his step mother (ex step mother now) His mother left him and his siblings while he was very young, so he's also known abandonment. In a way he felt he had to control someone and make them love him, and I taught him he couldn't force me or scare me into loving him.

Not only that but we we're both very young when our relationship started, I was 14, (almost 15) he was 19.
So he had a lot of responsibility for someone of his age, and I was quite immature myself.

Years ago, I wondered how someone so wild (like I was) would allow someone to control them, and break their spirit, to control how they we're allowed to feel, when they we're allowed to be happy, and to allow someone to intimidate them on a daily basis, I considered my home a prison, much like a concentration camp, where I had to constantly walk on eggshells, and wonder if he would be in a good mood or bad mood when he came from work, because his moods determined if I were going to be allowed to be happy, or forced to be sad for the remainder of the day.

We had our first child when I was only 16, so those days we're spent doting on her, she was my only source of happiness, her father spent no time with her, and didnt seem to care about any of her milestones.
We lived in the country, very few neighbors, and no friends, no phone, and I myself had no vehicle, his was the only vehicle.
So it would be weeks, sometimes even months when I actually was around people, other than him. on Friday's the day's he went grocery shopping, I was alone even longer and he would complain about gas so he wouldn't come pick me up and take me with him.
Not only that but he said I made him spend too much money.

When I was 18, we had our second child, our son.
Things we're still the same, however I finally was able to get a job.
I went to work at Wal-Mart as a cashier, slowly but surely I was coming out of my shell, At work I was treated like a human, like someone with a brain.
At home I was treated quite differently.
I was constantly yelled at, critized, demeaned, etc.
Until finally one day his words didn't bother me, I had gained some of my self esteem back.
When he realized that, he proceeded with the silent treatment (which would last for days)
When he realized that wasn't working, he asked me "Whats wrong with you"
To which I replied. "For the first time in years, absolutly nothing"

See, I began to realize I wasn't this stupid person I had been led to believe, I was also attractive to other people. I didn't need to depend on him for my happiness, I was learning I could depend on myself.
Not only that, but I had several times where someone would ask me out on a date. most of which I turned down, except for one.
Not that dating someone is what I needed to do, but at the time it sure helped me in realizing I wasn't "unwanted"...
So that night I told my boyfriend about my potential date, for the first time since we began dating he cried, and cried, and cried. (for hours)
And for someone who never wanted to hold me, hug me, even care about me, he begged me to let him hold me.
I still went on that date, like I had planned, however I also realized that the person I went on the date with was only after one thing. (which he didn't get)

Eugene (my abusive boyfriend, now caring husband)
"changed" a little bit... But not much.
He finally realized he was losing the mental control over me, thus changing his forms of abuse... Now it was more sexual, (I.e if he wanted sex, and I didn't he would either A: Make me feel guilty, B: be a total a-hole C: try to scare me, or D: constantly grab innapropiate parts of my body, in hope he would turn me on (which did quite the opposite)

Thus I began to hate sex, quite litterally, and would only sleep with him to make him happy and "pretend" to enjoy it.
After awhile I started using it to my advantage, (i.e if I wanted something from him, I would con him into giving it to me, in exchange for sex.

So, the tables we're slowly starting to turn.
I had never been on my own, and was scared to completely leave him, yet I knew I was very unhappy and I was no longer in love with him. Not to mention the fact I was scared to love him, because loving him would almost be allowing him to be abusive.

Well then I became pregnant (with what would have been our 3rd child) he almost immediately went back to his old ways, so mean that I would cry, which would make him more angry and he would mock me, calling me very cruel names. ( I remember telling him I would never allow myself to have another child by him after this one, that is a vow I have kept)
Then one night, I started bleeding, I went to the hospital and was told I was pregnant with twins, however one twin never developed so my body was rejecting it.
I was sent home, bleeding tremendously, and in very much pain, more pain than I ever remember feeling.
That was March 23rd, 2000, Well on April 6th 2000, still bleeding, still in pain, I would spend hours on the toilet because it made no sense to get up, knowing a lot more blood was coming.
I made a habit of looking "down there" while I was wiping (sorry is this is too detaileD)
When I looked down there, and was about to wipe, I seen two tiny feet.
I was horrified and began screaming.
A "friend" (who really wasn't a freind, i'll explain later)
was the first to come to the restroom, when he had seen the feet, he went and got Eugene.
They both carried me to the couch, where my body continuously began to push out this tiny baby.
Eugene had called 911, and they we're trying to get a helicopted to air lift me to the hospital.
Everytime he looked down and seen the baby, his face was a face of horror, which horrified me even more.
An Ambulance ended up coming, and the baby stayed between my legs the whole way to the hospital, and even after I arrived, it stayed there, The hospital didn't really seem to care, it was almost as if they thought I caused it myself.
they paged the DR who originally seen me, and she had confirmed what I had feared. That the baby that I had just lost , was the baby, that on March 23rd, had a "perfect heartbeat".
I was almost 5 months gestation when I lost him, I found out he was a him, because they did a pathology report on him.
I was sent home once again, same senario, this time I was no longer pregnant. But the blood, and the pain, and the throwing up still continued, I was more weak than ever before.
On April 10th, I called the ambulance myself, (everyone else was tired of dealing with me now)
I had them take me to a different hospital this time, because I knew in my heart, I would just be sent home again if I had went back to the original hospital.
The hospital I went to this time, immediatly admitted me, and did an emergency D&C, When I awoke in the recovery room I was having a heartattack because of the massive blood loss, They gave me two blood tranfusions, and IV fluid, plus pottassium.
By the next day all the pain was gone, and I felt much better... However when Eugene came to see me, he about fainted lol, because I was whiter than normal. He said I looked dead... literally.
I was 21 when all that happened.

Geez, I can't believe I am still typing and not even halfway done yet!!

I need to rewind to the year 1999, My grandmother (and my only source of comfort, and unconditional motherly love) had passed away, February 15th 99.
I became very depressed, and in turn began to drink every week-end.
I stopped cleaning, (for more reasons than that) and my house was very unkempt.
Downright nasty to be honest, clothes everywhere, toys everywhere, not to mention the place we we're living in was'nt in very good condition itself.
I guess I was in a deep depression.
Eugene had let our "friend" Donald, move in with us that year also. Donald seemed to think he could treat me just as bad as Eugene did, Donald also smoked pot, and used most of his money to buy pot for he and Eugene, and helped none with the bills.
I wasn't working and Eugene only made $6.00 an hour.
Obviously it didn't go far.
One day DCF had showed up at the house.
Needless to say, our children we're removed, and rightly so. (That may have very well saved our daughters life, i'll explain later)

I was already in a deep depression over my grandmother, now I had lost my children.
I dearly love them, and anyone who knows me, can vouch to this.

Suicide wasn't an option because I knew I had to get them back, and they loved me, and I knew I couldn't put more on them than they we're already dealing with.

But nonetheless, I became even more depressed.
During the time DCF was at our house and taking pictures, I knew I was going to lose my children, so I gave them all their Christmas presents, and told them they we're going to spend time with some nice people and that they would have fun, thus my children left me, without a tear in their eye, and they were'nt traumatized by being taken away.

It happened on December 23rd, 1999.

Not too much time after they we're removed did my depression also turn into anger.
I was angry because I realized that DCF can get away with just about anything, they had added to the reasons they took the children away by making up lies.
I found out later, that a messy house wasn't reason enough to keep children in foster care.
They at first had tried to claim that I abused my children, physically, which wasn't the truth at all.
I still to this day do not believe in spanking a child. There ARE other forms of disicpline and punishment.
They also claimed I had yelled at my daughter during the time they we're removing the children.
That really angered me because I did no such thing, I in fact did quite the opposite, I remained calm so that my children would not get hysterical.
They also said that there had been dirty diapers in the house, which was yet another lie, neither of my children had been in diapers for a long time. They we're both very well potty trained.

We borrowed the money and hired a lawyer, We we're told by DCF that they couldn't remove the children from the county, and we had wanted them to be placed with Eugene's brother and sister-n-law.
We asked our attorney to bring this up.
They had also wanted us to do rediculous amounts of things before we would even get our children unsupervised on weekends.

Meanwhile we we're saving up money to move into a better place.
Eugene had found a better job, and started out making $13.00 an hour (which seemed like quite a bit at that time to us)

Finally, about 9 months after our children we're taken, I decided that our lawyer was getting us no where.. He truely didn't care weather or not we would ever get our children back, and my grandfather whom my children loved was very ill and would probably not make it to the next holiday.
With the advice of a wise old man we knew, I sat down at his computer and began to prepare my "rebuttal"
I had taken all of the judicary reviews, and responded to each and everyone one of them.
We had also put a down payment on a fairly decent double wide mobile home on 5 acres (this county is mostly mobile homes LOL)
On our next court date, when the judge asked where our lawyer was, I informed him that he wasn't asking the courts anything we had asked him to, and thought it would be best to represent ourselves.
I handed the judge my rebuttal, and during the time he was reading that, and the fact that he was actually reading it and taking it in, I seen the states attorney's get a little nervous, and they informed us that we could ask for a public defender, I denied a public defender three times that day!
Now I know why they we're so adament on us getting one.
By the time the judge had read my rebuttal, he was amazed that it was in fact prepared by me.
And he was also very upset at the DCF attorney's.
And DCF themselves.
In the end, they we're demanded to return my children to me.
And I didn't have to complete another thing that we're telling me I had to do before reuniting with my children.
So on my daughters birthday , a little less than a year after they we're originaly removed, I had them home!

I came out of it a lot stronger than I had originaly been.
Eugene had became nicer to me, however I still didn't love him.

We had a weird living arrangement.
We continued to live together, for the children's sake, and because he knew that he couldn't afford child support, and I didn't think I could support them on my own.
In 2002, I met someone and had started dating him, I ended up falling in love with him.
And also for the very first time, I enjoyed sex.
Our relationship was short lived, because I had become pregnant. And was immediately struck with fear.
I didn't want to be pregnant. I was scared of going down the same route I had been with Eugene.
And part of me was also scared of completely being away from Eugene.
I hadn't accepted the fact the Eugene wasn't the same man he was 3 years prior.
But by me dating someone else, Eugene was able to show me, he didn't want to control me.
Because before, when I had only threatened to leave him, he would threaten me with physical harm.
And he knew about my relationship with this other man.
He knew I was very serious with this other man.
My children never met him because I didn't want them seeing me like I viewed my mother.
(my mother had a different boyfriend everynight)

Nonetheless, I broke things off with this man.
I made an appointment to get an abortion, but never went through with it.
I didn't tell Eugene that my relationship with this man was over.
When I would go to my prenatal visits with the midwife, Eugene would always ask me if Matt was attending, I was making up excuses for him at first. But by the 4th month of pregnancy, I told him the truth.
He asked me if he could go with me since Matt wasn't going.
I Hesitantly said yes.
It seemed odd to me, because with our children, he didn't attend any.
So I wasn't sure if he was just trying to be nice, and was trying to win me back by making me think he really did care.
When the baby would kick inside me, he was mesmerized and amazed. (He never even cared to feel our children kick inside the womb)
Everything he didn't do with my other two pregnancies, he did with this one.
But the main thing, is he didn't try to treat me like had previously done with the son I lost.
He didn't try to control me.
By the 9th month of my pregnancy, I felt myself becoming ever so close to him in a way I hadn't done before.
And most of all, I began to trust him.
He attended every single pre natal visit with me, including the last month where I had to go in every week.

The day I went into labor, he didn't even think twice about calling into work and informing them he wouldn't be in, because I was in labor.
(he was a supervisor there by then)
Not to mention, during labor, when I cried, he cried right a long with me, He was actually very empathetic to my pain.
When our daughter was born, the nurse actually yelled "She looks just like her daddy!"

He didn't leave our side during our stay, and when we came home, he jumped right into fatherhood, Here a man who would never change a diaper, would change a diaper himself, without notifying me our daughter's diaper was dirty.
I was nursing so he didn't have to feed her a bottle.
When he came home from work, he would head straight to the baby. When she first smiled, you could see the joy in his eyes at being able to witness this wonderful milestone.
He once told me that he feels deep regret for not being there for our other two children. He acknowledges that he's missed out on so much, and knows he can never get it back.
But the way I see it, GOD has given us both another chance to get things right. And had it not been for this unexpected child, we probably wouldn't be together today.
Through her, he was able to prove to me that he is not the man he used to be, that he is now a very caring, and loving man.

During the time I was pregnant, my oldest daughter had finally come forward and told us, that she had been molested. By the one person neither of us would've ever dreamed would've hurt her...
She was only 3 when we had lived in the "old house" (like she called it)
It was Donald, someone both of us had known for over 10 years.
She told us in detail, about things that a child her age should not know.
And it's very possible he did more than touch her, theres a very high chance he outright raped her.
Immediately our thoughts went into wanting to kill him, however he was in jail on unrelated charges. So we decided to take the information to the police.
We wanted to make sure he never got out of jail.

We had her evaluated by proffesionals, who comfirmed what she had been telling us, and she told them even more things than she had told us.
I blamed myself, and blamed Eugene for what had happened to our daughter, Eugene blamed himself .

Donald was never charged for what he did to my daughter. And the only excuse the police can come up with, is that "It happened so many years ago and there are no witnesses"
They said the only chance they had, is if he agree'd to take a polygraph and would sign a statement allowing it to be used in court.
Obviously he refused to take a polygraph.
Now you see why DCF taking her possibly saved her life?
I'm lucky my daughter wasn't killed by this monster.

Before she told us about the abuse being done to her, her grades we're failing, she had very little confidence.
After she told us, Her grades almost overnight improved, her self confidence built up, her self esteem drasticaly improved.
I guess now I know why she was doesn't doing well. She had way to much on her shoulders for a 7 year old child (She's now almost 10, and an honor role student)

I was angry at myself because my daughter couldn't trust me enough to tell me sooner.
I asked her why, and she told me, "Because I was scared you'd be mad and you wouldn't believe me"
I told her I would always believe her.
I later found out that Donald had raped a girl in this same county and had gotten away with it also... Famous excuse of a lazy detective :Because there we're no witness.
Uhm, hello MORON, do you honestly think someone like that is going to do it with a witness around?
He's a sexual offender in another state also.

Goes to show, you don't know people as well as you think.

Well, as of today, our life is fairly decent, expect for the occasional spurts of drama from my mom and my brother.
We finally bought a house, a REAL house, lol 4bedrooms, and an inground pool to boot!

I've recently learned that I have ADHD, (should've been diagnosed with it years ago, was the poster child for it, but back then it was only a boy's problem)

Eugene and I get along great, we don't yell, or argue with each other, and any disagreements we may have are solved in an adult manner.
He definitly does NOT try to control me, nor does he try to intimidate me or call me names.

Our children live in a safe, loving home.
And the only dysfunction is one we're both desperatly trying to keep away from them is my mother.

Growing up, my mom was basicaly just like Eugene used to be, however I was only a child and couldn't defend myself.

She loved to be center of attention (still does) and would use me to get her that attention.
The only time life was stable growing up was when I lived with my grandmother.
My mother had boyfriend after boyfriend after boyfriend;.
And with each and every boyfriend came the demand for us to call him Daddy (Yeah, whatever)

Whenever questioned about our real father, she'd get angry, or try to blame others for us not knowing him (my brother and I have different fathers)
She wasn't as mean to my brother as she was to me, anytime anything bad happened to her (which most of it she caused) I was to blame.
Whenever she punished us, it was with whatever she could get her hands on, and wherever on our body she could hit, she was very fond of wire clothes hangers and my legs.
I learned at a young age that I couldn't tell my mother anything about sexual abuse.
She never had any qualms about who she'd leave us with, or who she'd have watch us at home.
One day she left us home with the "handyman"
He kept trying to look under my dress, and had trued to feed me some lies about how I shouldn't ever wear panties with my dress again.
When my mom had come home I told her about it, and her exact words we're "Well you shouldn't have had your legs spread open and you shouldn't have been wearing a dress!"
Geez, nice thing to say to your child! I couldn't have been no more than 6 years old then.
She'd always tell us that our grandparents didn't care about us, usually she did it because she was angry with them and used us to get back at them.
She'd allow her boyfriends to punish us, in any manner they felt appropiate.
The list can go on and on with her.
But this is where she really screwed up my life.....
In 1989, some lawyers we're coming around my grandparents house, about a man on Death Row for murder. He had been given an execution date and the lawyers we're trying to get him a stay...
Well, my mother being the attention seeker she is, and me being the person she used the most to get her attention at no matter what the cost to me would be.
Blurted out "That's Crystal's Father!"
I was 11 years old then, and most of my life I dreamed of finding my father, I had high hopes on the kind of person he'd be. she killed my dreams, and the sad part is, she did it to gain attention for herself.
Up until that point I had done "OK" in school, I had a hard time academicaly and struggled, but after that night, I became a very withdrawn, angry little girl.

The way I seen it, she killed my dreams, my hopes, and I no longer cared about doing my best in school.
I hated all authorities, because in my mind, they put my father on death row, and in my mind, he was innocent!
(He' ended up getting a stay, several times after that and is still alive on Florida's Death Row, possibly getting a new trial soon)

I began to act out at home and in school, would not hesitate to walk out of class, skipped school quite often, was expelled from 3 different schools in one year.

My mom even had me locked up in a mental institution saying I had tried to kill myself (I didn't, yet another one of her attention games)
I was placed in a few different facilities for troubled adolecents, running away from each one.
I was in and out of a Juvenile Detention center during the course of a few years.
I would hang out with people a lot older than me, ( most we're over 18, a couple over 21)
I started having sex when I was 12, ( I believed that it was something you we're supposed to do if you we're dating someone)
I would stay out all hours of the night, drinking and smoking pot. (And this is when I was wanted by the police for running away from the placement programs)
So I also always had to look over my shoulder.
I didn't smoke pot for very long, I decided then I didn't like it.
I tried acid a couple of times back then too.

I also need to mention before being told my father was a man on death row, I was constantly having to manipulate my way out of being molested by my uncle,
He was my Aunt's Husband (he's the one who originaly started sneaking me alcohol in hopes I would allow him to sleep with me)
And obviously I didn't trust anyone enough to tell them. My mom had already proven to me at a young age that it was my fault if anyone had touched, or even tried to touch me.
I also started fighting back at my mom, I decided she had hit me long enough, and one morning she came into my bedroom hitting me with a small flag pole when I was sleeping, I got up and took it out of her hands and decided it was her turn.

I met Eugene while he worked across the street from where we lived, I knew him for about 3 years before I actually started dating him.
When we did finally start dating, my mom had convinced him into letting me move in with him.
(She collected the welfare check, he collected the child LOL)

It was less than a couple of months after living with him that he showed his abusive side.
It started out as him harming himself to make me feel guilty, to him harming me and still making me feel guilty!

To this day my mom is still trying to reak havoc in my life.
I don't let her around my children, I have a restraining order on her.
However, her being the kind of person she is, she uses the legal system to harrass me.
Every once in awhile DCF will show up at my door, One time it was 4 times in a month.
All with false allegations. (proven false)
Now with the new laws in effect, DCF is filing criminal charges on her for maliciously making calls
She still calls my house sometimes and leaves messeges on my voice mail, about how crappy of a daughter i've been, and how she hopes I die soon, etc, etc, etc....
But I just smile, knowing she's only jealous of me.
I have everything she's never had. I have a life.
And I have a family, even though it took us a long time to get to where we are, we're a close, loving family, and our children will never be in the hell (besides what they've been in) that we once we're.

I'm glad i've taken the abuse in my past and learned from it.
I could have turned out far worse than I am now.

Yes I did lose my children to DCF once
Yes I did once drink and party a lot.
Yes I did quit school at a very young age.
Yes I did smoke pot when I was a young teen.
Yes I did start having sex early.
Yes I did get in trouble with the law years ago.
But everything that happened to me in the past has made me into a better person today.

And Eugene is the rare man who has learned that no one deserves to be abused.
So aside from my ADHD, I am mentally healthy!
Eugene no longer smokes pot, (he's never drank)
I don't drink, except the very rare glass of wine with dinner.

Those who know us now (and not knowing us years ago) would never believe we we're ever those people.
If I had told our friends that Eugene used to abuse me, they'd probably tell me I was nuts!

So even though you can't change a man into being a better person, You CAN change yourself.
I told Eugene once that God must've put us together, because I don't know a woman yet who would've put up with what I put up with. And I don't know a man who would've overcome his abuse.

Not to mention the fact that when I did leave Eugene for those 3 years, I dated others.
The abusive, controlling Eugene wouldn't have put up with that.
But the Eugene I now know, realized that I wasn't to be owned.
Had I not dated Matt, I wouldn't have gotten pregnant with Emily, Had I not gotten pregnant with Emily, Eugene wouldn't have been able to prove to me he's truely changed. And I would've never gotten to experience motherhood like most mom's do.
And Eugene wouldn't have experienced fatherhood from the beggining.

Sorry I rambled so long... It's hard to tell someone about yourself unless you explain it in complete detail.
And to explain your present, you have to explain your past.

I left out a lot of things believe it or not lol