I do hope she's just taking a break, which I expected since she told me it's something she ends up doing when she's unwell. But the way she went about it is making me fear she's abandoned me, that she allowed her bad state to take over and hurt me by leaving. It wasn't a fair thing or really warranted to block me on messenger, even if she didn't unfriend me or anything. Yes, I did ask her everyday how she's doing, I showed my worry for her and yes I can see how my own anxiety and problems can of course trigger her when she is in a fragile state, but for that she knows she just has to tell me she is taking a break and I would refrain from doing more than checking up on her every few days.

I noticed her two messages were one hr apart so at first she just said she can't be around for a while and then she decided to block me. I hope that doesn't mean she abandoned me but no matter how much I try to rationalize it and be positive, I have abandonment issues that are very real and based in a lot of experiences big or small and I have anxiety and some depression and am chronically lonely. She knows all this and she's always been mindful about it and said she would always be, we share the anxiety and depression after all so she gets it. For that reason, if she doesn't come back, it will be the worst abandonment I've had apart from my father's, because ot would come from someone I care deeply about and someone who truly does understand me and knows how fragile people like us can be about certain things and we promised eachother many times that we will never hurt eachother like this.

I think about it all the time, wondering how she is feeling and wondering if she thinks of me, if she still cares about me like she said she did, if it would still hurt her to lose me, like she always told me it would.

Plus, she knows that while she has a warm, loving family(both parents and a brother) and more friends, I can't emotionally count on anyone else, not even my mother, who is a great person but massively unhappy too and not really able to understand how anxiety works. So she knows that I am not only hurting massively due to her gesture, but that I am all alone in it.

I also fear that she will stay away later because of guilt(she does get intense guilt) or because she's going to forget about me(which is what I always worry about since it always happens to me).