Thanks for your replies btw!

Well, I'm still here and getting out of bed and trying to fake my way through the day so I'm doing the best I can. I don't have a therapist to talk to right now, he's away for a little while and then it's going to be Easter so I have my next appointment at the end of April.

I sent my friend a little present for her birthday(mailed it at the beginning of the month, it takes a long time to get there) and her bday is in 2 weeks so I'm hoping she gets it and says something. I'm not going to be 100% certain she's abandoned me until my bday comes around(which is on the 22nd of June, so that's 3 months, it's quite enough) since she knows it's my 30th and she knows how I feel and that this is an important thing for me. If she's not back by then and she doesn't even wish me a happy birthday...

But either way, even if my rational, intellectual side is trying to stay positive and realizes she might very well come back since she didn't delete me and whatnot, I'm feeling extremely abandoned.

If she comes back, I'm not mad, I'll know it was not her but just anxiety and depression taking over her and acting on her behalf, which would be ok even though I'll surely tell her she should somehow prepare for that because this sort of thing is still bound to be quite traumatic on someone like me.

But if she doesn't come back...that would mean people are just always meant to leave me, no matter how much they actually do care, no matter how supportive and understanding they prove they can be, no matter what, they still leave all of a sudden and the affect that has on me is irrelevant to them. I understand needing to step back from the world and feeling like just retreating inside yourself and being antisocial when you're fragile and struggling. I understand someone being rude, saying the wrong thing, acting up, etc(this she didn't do, I was just saying in general). Basically, I understand things people do when they're hurting, that are a spur of the moment thing, that they didn't have much time to think over or control. But what she did, if she doesn't undo it, is a gesture that could have been avoided, something she had time to think over. So if she doesn't undo it, it means that I was immediately disposable and what happens to me didn't matter, that it didn't matter how immensely hurt I would be, I could be sacrificed for pretty much nothing. That's not right.

Tbh, if this thing doesn't get fixed, I don't think I can risk making close friends or anything with anyone because I'm just really unfortunate, I have a lot of bad luck with people and it's just that, maybe, I never inspire quite enough love and for longer than a little while. Maybe I'm too broken and needy and just not right enough for people to be able to feel enough for me. I think I should be but I see I'm not.

It's quite ironic how this added to my already strong suffering about never having felt loved by anyone in a way that was also romantic, that i can never have intimacy(emotional and physical), experience touch and feel desirable. On top of being a really masculine presenting woman and probably not the prettiest crayon in the pack, I'm also sporting these emotional scars and fears, that will always require a bit of patience and understanding, a gentler touch. What can I hope for, how can I hope for romantic love, for a true partnership, a man I could love, being attracted to me and loving me back, when no man has ever been interested and even the few friends I manage to make all just abandon me for no reason or get bored quickly, same result. Love is just not meant for me...