I put myself in a nightmare situation. I haven't had peace of mind or a glimpse of hope in over 3 years. If I didn't have my 22 yr old son and dog I'd have already been more drastic. Or successful, but I don't want to think like that. 40, I've had 10 yrs of anxiety/depression. 10 years of drug addiction & alcoholism. 3 years since I've been disowned by family/friends. I moved in with a man 16 yrs older for lack of choices due to burned Bridges and I have felt more like a prisoner & prostitute than when I was the latter. Last night after these years he choked me. Cops arrested him. He bailed himself out and here I am on my neighbors porch sobbing (like always), desperate with no drive or ambition or self respect. What scares me is that when he grabbed my throat I wanted him to tighten his hands, for a split second. I made sure to keep eye contact and yada yada yada. What do you do when you can't stand your own emotional BS? I'm terrified and nobody's gonna save me. But me? Pic is all that is possible & positive but weighs so little, it seems.