I have been struggling in therapy for a LONG time, and today I think maybe I realized (or maybe re-realized) something that I'm struggling with. For some reason, I feel the need to tell some pieces of my story and just get it out there.

*****Warning: Triggers*******

I am survivor of physical abuse, emotional abuse, and neglect. Something is SOOO wrong with me inside, really deep. I just feel like I'll never have all the "pieces" of me that were supposed to be there. Might sound crazy, but I feel like as a baby, one little piece of me died.

I grew up with a severely depressed mother. She was/is basically a good woman, but a survivor herself with some deep issues. She told me that when I was a baby, she was always afraid she was going to hurt me. She had all this rage inside of her because of her own abuse. Once, she was changing my diaper and I was crying. She was so angry, but didn't want to hurt me, so she beat the bed all around me.

I was afraid to have doors closed on me. I would freak out and cry. So when my parents went to the bathroom, I tried to go with them. Once when I was 18 months old, I tried to follow my dad in and he kicked me literally across the room.

I've gone through a lot of therapy, but I'm really stuck now and have been for a long time. All I can think about or feel is this dead baby.