Been awhile, just joting down some frustrations. Had been trying to keep from masturbating/fantasizing. But it was hard. Have folders of pics of girls I work with, as well as the girl I am obsessed with. I have been trying to date and wanted to try and stay straight so I do not suffer an emberrassing ED issue. BUt I got into a fight tues with family and wed I relapsed 3 times. Right after going on a date with a girl. I went home and masturbating to my fixation girl. Not just normally but rape fantasizing. Wanting to hurt her, humiliate, degrade her, look into her eyes and see her pain/shame/humiliation, to deeply emotionally scar her. I know it's disturbing, but it is just an outlet for my anger and frustration. I'm pretty depressed, wondering if I will ever be okay, ever find someone. Gonna try and kiss this girl next time we go out. I'm scared, really scared but what the heck else will can I do?