This is getting so long, I'm so sorry.

Mentions of ED's with no details.
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After two failed attempts at finding a T I connected with on my own, I decided to go through the main mental health center in my area.

It was a rather involved process and, to be quite frank, I felt horribly invalidated and pushed towards incorrect diagnoses (I said two things and suddenly he was tacking on OCD and Panic Disorder). But seeing as how the person who did my 'intake' assessment wasn't going to be my actual therapist I decided not to walk and give the therapist a shot with an open mind the following week.

I've gone twice now and I do like the therapist for the most part. We're very similar in some ways which makes me feel less ridiculous and a bit more willing to open up.

BUT

There's always a but, right?

When asked, I expressed the reason I'd been in therapy before has always been mainly to treat an eating disorder. Yes, also anxiety, depression, self-harm, etc, but all that fell under the bigger umbrella of ED.

Granted, the center's FAQ's does say they are not qualified to treat eating disorders and do not have specialists on staff and must refer such patients out to other agencies as needed - but I feel like because of that statement to keep me in their program and get my money - they've essentially erased my ED history.

The intake guy told me at no point during my (10+ years!!) of having an ED was I in any danger. My weight, what I lost, how I lost it, none of that was significant because I never reached a clinical anorexic weight.

My jaw was on the floor.

This is ignorant at best and horribly dangerous at worst. I do want to contact someone in that place to rail against this and make sure he doesn't tell anyone else something that might shove them off a possibly deadly cliff but that doesn't solve my current dilemma.

I had to sign a treatment plan that said I'd had 'food issues and cutting' in the past but they're no longer a source of distress in my current day to day.

Which, okay, fine. I don't really care what their fine print paperwork says or what they submit to my insurance so they get paid. I don't need that stuff to be 100% accurate in order to benefit from therapy.

But just as being an ACOA comes with a not-necessarily-set-in-stone-but-really-really-common set of behaviors and traits - so too does developing an eating disorder. They exist on a spectrum and people swing from one to another to another in various degrees of severity throughout their lives - the details aren't so important as the mental challenges that drive you to that point.

My fear is two-sided, I think. Well, many sided, but mostly narrowed down to two things. I'm scared that when we get into hard and uncomfortable stuff that he's going to be unable to help me resist that method of coping. I also fear that without knowing the common distortions (and patterns and cognitive difficulties) that develop with an eating disorder, he won't know they're there. And since they've become normal to me, I won't know or see to bring it up.

Am I making sense?

I was open with every therapist I saw that I'm not currently engaging in behaviors, but I have not even begun to heal my brain. And for this place that seems to mean 'recovered' and it's not. It's not anywhere near that.

As far as body image distortions, fear/shame/guilt over food, negative self-talk, and all of that fun stuff - that's all still there. Every day, every bite. I would not say that it's not a cause of distress in my day to day just because I do manage to push through it to a mostly socially acceptable degree.

In my experience, if I'm asked if I do one particular SH behavior, I'm most likely not going to correct you and say, "Well, no. I'm actually I'm doing this." I'll just skate by 'cause it's shameful and embarrassing and a deeply deeply carried secret of mine that has been so poorly received when I'd tried to reach out for help before I'm beyond gun-shy to try again. (T knows that part.)

I don't know if I should bring all this up with him. I don't know if it matters to him. Or if he views treating one part as all parts.

He wants to focus on anxiety because he thinks that's what's actually causing my depression and suicidal ideation. His plan is to find out the root causes, then work on identifying triggers, and then help me find a way to live a more enjoyable productive life. Or something to that effect.

Maybe I'll work on writing something out to bring up next session.

Or maybe I'll just keep working on anxiety and hope I can just carry over what I learn there to fix the other stuff? I mean, they're all interrelated to a degree. I just am not used to viewing anxiety as the big umbrella, I guess. And it's bothering me to a degree I can't really explain.