I cried reading your post. I don't relate to everything, but the underlying tone of it all rings familiar for me. I'm glad you are feeling better. I really do think I understand your pains and frustrations....we have many similarities in how we feel and see things. I'm sorry you are burdened with such dark and dangerous thoughts. I understand your fears about them and I surely relate to just waiting around to die cause that has been my life for several years now. My doctors are finally taking my health issues seriously and not taking the easy road and blaming my mental illness for them. Keep pushing your doctors to do the same. You deserve help with all this, it's too much to be expected to conquer alone. I'm glad you have your husband to support you through this. Write me anytime if you'd like to chat. I get sick and don't always come on daily but it shouldn't take long for me to reply. And you don't have to sugar coat anything with me or put a positive spin on anything unless you need to.....I can handle and relate to the raw truth. I'm wishing you body wide healing and contentment.