ElsaMars I appreciate your compassion. I don't think I made much sense in my post and might delete. Long story short: I make decisions that are self sabotaging. As I grew up life was very predictable, routine. I used to cringe thinking of living my adulthood in the same way. I've made it a point to be anything but boring and unfortunately the result has been negative. I can't comprehend how I can know the difference between positive and negative attention but still make decisions that are not good for me or those around me. Ignorance is bliss. I feel awareness is a brick wall right in front of your face (and if I look to the left there is a door so obviously waiting to be opened but I choose to stare at the brick wall).