Background for those not following my story: I recently had ftm top surgery (breast removal and chest masculinization). I am relatively close to my family, seeing them like 6 x year, they live with 2 hours of me. I am almost 50 yrs old and for the last 20, I have worn exclusively male clothing and bound my chest; however, most people just saw me a masculine lesbian and I never discussed with people outside a very few the extent of my gender and body dysphoria. I especially did not tell my family. In fact it is still hard for me to verbalize to most people.

Additionally, I didn't want my family to come up because I always feel like I need to take care of them, not that they are there for me. Which was why I wanted my T to be there. It is the only relationship that is about me.

When I went in for surgery I told my family that it was cosmetic and body shaping from weight loss. I told my mom the day before...push came to shove and what I felt was my duty over came my desires, well enough to let her know I was having surgery, not enough to be completely honest. My mom wanted to come up for the surgery. I asked her not to. She said ok, she understood. Later she told my wife that she thought about still coming up and then leaving when I got out of surgery but before I woke up, that way I wouldn't know she was here.

When I told T about it I was all, how that was completely about her...her wants. I was angry about this and at her. Then I told T that the only reason she didn't come up is because she was able to follow the surgery online and she didn't know how much walking she'd need to do. (She had back surgery right before Christmas and it hasn't helped things.) To which T responded, that even her reason to not come up was about her and that it wasn't like some light bulb went off for my mom and she decided not to come up out of respect for me and my request.

I went on to talk about how she would have found out the truth of the surgery had she came up. However since session, I've been thinking about the statement from T. When T first said it, I lost what little anger I had. Now I feel sadness, maybe resignment...I don't/can't get angry about it.

I don't know what I want from typing this up...just been on my mind.