ElsaMars,

I am sorry all that happened. So much about sex can be traumatizing. Of course rape is, the first time is, it is very confusing when you are young because you don't know how to react but it is also traumatizing when you feel you have been used verses loved. And when we have a negative emotional response such as fear, shame, etc. -- it is like the emotion from the experience is permanently set and we sometimes feel it when we don't really want to. I wish you could just forget it--I really do. The emotionally experience will ebb and flow. It is probably bothering you more since you posted about it. But it might help you think about it less in a few months from now. It is not your fault!