Quote:
Originally Posted by ACQPL
I have major issues with self defeating thought. I know it wasn't my fault, I know I didn't cause what happened, but I feel like I was responsible for it.
I feel responsible for still letting affect me, and so around I go in an endless loop of defeatism.
I know the issues, I know the problems... figuring out how to change it though seems impossible.
Its like grappling with an exact replica of yourself internally.. you get worn out, but the other you doesn't..
Thank you for your words.. I need to start speaking more and actually explaining what's going on in my head...
Still on the waiting list for a Therapist.. Somehow still taking my meds..
Still existing and surviving somehow
This week has been particularly bad I think because of the lack of sleep really hitting me hard, and when I do sleep it's not restful as they are full of darkness and terror.
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Lack of sleep intensifies everything, definitely. The fact that you're still taking meds and everything is impressive to me. So, kudos on that.
I wish I had advice and how to stop the feelings that you do, when it comes to self defeating thoughts that you're responsible for the event(s) effects; I don't because I also struggle with this issue. It often overpowers me into believing that I will never be rid of these moments of hell. Even if I try. I'm there with you. Objectively speaking, PTSD doesn't make us weak, our brains are simply attempting to process things that can't be fully processed without help.
"Grappling with an exact replica of yourself" is a great metaphor for what it really feels like. Explanation is a great tool but only if you're ready for its use. It can also hurt its handler, though sometimes the hurt is worth the use.
The fact that you're still fighting beyond what's bearable; that's a strength few possess. Something to take pride it. Hey, maybe that pride can be used to help fight against the false shame that has been bestowed upon you.