I agree with all of your languaging. I don't let anyone see the cuts either. I may still hide them from my MD tomorrow and my T on tuesday. But i think you're right about needing to show pain, yet hiding pain. i've been taught to hide my pain all my life - but i have to say it for it to be real. yet words are not real - only visible pain has ever been real in my familly. so it is visible - if only to me. then at least it is real. and yet it puts another barrier between me and other humans - i can't have them see it. i want to be with people and yet i'm also terrified of being with people. all these counter-efforts. communicate silently, visibly hidden, together yet seperate.
Though - this past time, the cutting was to try to end the anxiety attack so that i could get sleep with having a THE shopping day after thanksgiving. not that it was successful in ending the anxiety. my t, if i tell her, will be most concerned. she's working with me on anxiety.