Quote:
Originally Posted by ElsaMars
I'm not any smarter now. I think I am sometimes but life proves I'm not. There is not one shred of evidence to support that I'm smarter now, in fact I'm much dumber. How do you get over that? How do I get over what happened to my poor mom? I'm traumatized by it all....by the betrayal more than anything. By the never ending cycle that cannot be broken because it's far too ingrained. I think I make better choices, but it always works out the same...every single time. Doing is differently than before but still the same results. People are disgusting and cruel and evil and that is the only lesson to be learned in this life. My poor young son will be eaten alive by it and I can't do a damn thing to stop it. I can't even begin to talk about my oldest boy and what pain he will go through. And I try, I really do but I just make it all worse. Which one did me in...which experience? There are too many and I don't know where to focus my anger so it sits with me, my companion and tormentor.
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ElsaMars--You are feeling down on yourself and are emphasizing the negative. We all know you are not dumb. Some of the things that happen are not fair. There are people that will do things to you if they can get away with them. The scars they left on you are real, I am sorry. In my case, I feel like the drinking I did when I was younger put me into some vulnerable situations. Sometimes it turned out OK, othertimes, not so much. What made some situations OK and some not? How kind and caring the boy was that I ended up involved with. Mostly I was lucky but anything could have happened. I tend to look back and say, you sure were lucky that you survived without any real tragedies. But when people betray and use us, we should be mad at them, not ourselves. Knowing that some people are like that, Tisha is right, we have to take precautions to avoid being targets. When I am home alone (which is way to rare), I usually remember to lock my doors and my dog is by my side. Yet, if I forget to lock my door and someone takes advantage of that--they are the ones at fault! So I guess we can tell our children what precautions that we recommend that they take and hope that they listen to some of it and are lucky in life verses unlucky like you and your mom were. Though, if they sense the attitude that life is only about being eaten alive and pain, maybe you are modeling a depressed view of things verses a positive, upbeat take on life. This is not your fault. You sound depressed right now, I hope you feel better soon.