Elsa- I'm not sure exactly what is going on, but please try to hang in there. Idk for sure if it gets better, but I am still holding on tight to hope, that things will improve. Hold on with me. Sending you hugs.

Me, I am still a mess. Depressed. And in physIcal pain/discomfort and don't know what is wrong with me. Maybe I am just crazy and none of this is real. I'm too exhausted to do much about anything lately.

I have to go to my bank and withdraw $ and deposit it into my landlords acct at sanother bank for rent. And nobody at my bank would show me how the fiuuck to just set this up for online autopay. The teller told me to go home and do it online. Really? When I was there in person?! I hate our society sometimes.

I think I am going to be gross this morning and just wear out today what I wore to bed. It's the shirt I had on yesterday plus sweat pants I slept in. It's just to go to the bank and grab a bagel. And I don't have the energy to give a shiit.

I asked my friend if she wanted to grab lunch today. She replied "can't. Have to go to zoo for niece"s bday". Which i get, ppl have plans. So I responded "oh ok have fun". And that was our whole conversation. No thanks or how r u or counteroffer on her end to get together another day. Maybe I'm being overly sensitive. But it sure as shiit seems like she wants nothing to do with me anymore. Idk.

Anyhow. I am going to try to start picking up the house. Maybe I can find a tall chair so I can do the dishes while sitting down or something, as standing for long periods hurts. I have the rest of this week to clean the whole house before company arrives. It seems daunting and impossible. Even if it is just picked up and not gross I would be okay at this point. I have considered having somebody come in to clean, but I would still need to pick up before they could even do that. It might be worth the $ to reduce my stress level. I should be looking forward to this visit, not dreading it.

Ugh. Life is pretty shiity right now. But I see my gyn, get bloodwork results, see my T and pdoc all next week so maybe one of them will actually help? I'm Losing faith in medicine and psychiatry over here.
Still here.