Hello, everyone!
(First of all English is not my first language, so excuse any mistakes )
I may be a little too worried and overreacting over nothing, but I’m concerned about my health and I just want to make sure I’m not developing any eating disorders and bad habits with food.

So it all started when I got tired of being chubby and decided to loose some weight. At first, I was super healthy... went to the gym, ate healthy food (but nothing too extreme) I still ate some “not so healthy foods” and never felt guilty about it. I lost weight and it felt amazing! I was always shy and didn’t have many friends, but after that, I completely changed. (I still had many insecurities) but I made a big progress... and not only with my weight.

Eventually, I was not losing weight anymore... I got demotivated and hit a “plateau”. I completely freak out! I could not go back to being my old self again. So I started counting calories (worst thing I could have done). According to the website I went to, I needed to eat at least a certain amount of calories to lose weight in a healthy way. So that’s what I decided to do. I felt great... for the first couple of days but then I realized I could eat less calories a day and lose weight even faster! Again, I felt great for about 5 days then I felt like I was eating too much and realized that if I ate even less calories I could loose weight soo fast… the pattern kept repeating: Eat fewer calories. Feel awesome. Think about eating less. Feel awful about my body. Restrict more calories. Repeat.

I knew I was going down a dangerous path so I decided to make some rules that would separate me from disordered eating. As long as I followed them, I wasn’t sick, I wasn’t being unhealthy. It became for me the thin line that separated me from eating disorders. For instance: I would never purge, not matter how awful I felt; I would never lie to my parents about what I ate; I would never eat less than a certain amount of calories…
Needless to say, in a few weeks, I managed to break all my rules EXCEPT for the purging one.

It got to a point where I feel awful if I eat more than a certain amount of calories. My day can be turned into the worst if I realize I ate more than I planned, and it can be the best if I managed to eat less. I’ve some OCD tendencies and I realize it’s becoming about control. I feel so controlled by counting calories.

Whenever I eat something and don’t know how many calories the food had I feel awful. I already “broke down” because of this ( sorry not sure if that’s the correct term) but so far I’ve cried twice because I felt so guilty about eating something that in my mind I shouldn’t have. Logically, I know I didn’t eat that much to be a “binging” and the food I ate wasn’t that unhealthy but if I eat and can’t determine the calories of the food I kinda freak out.

I usually eat around a certain amount of calories a day and I normally eat eggs, salad or an apple. Sometimes, though, I let myself eat a "bad food" like chocolate or anything high in carbohydrates.

So anyway… Should I be worried? Or is this a normal behavior? Thanks in advance for putting up with me