I can't deal with this.

Everytime I walk into school and there's like 50 people. I feel like just being
there..... Everyone just knows everything about me.

I feel like everyone knows everything. I just feel like they just KNOW.

And I feel so uncomfortable with people. I can't. I just hate people so much I feel so scared and I get so ANGRY at everyone because I'm so scared because I don't know what they will do!

And I've been documenting everything. I have been typing everything that I see, that is happening around me, and what I feel on my computer. I document everything. Every time I look at pictures I have taken in the past, I see that they predicted the future. Now I analyze every photo I take on my phone. They all have meaning

I draw. I just draw and my hand has a mind of its own. My mind is put onto paper. To other people, they won't understand it. It just looks like lines, and symbols, and scribbled. But to me, every thing has MEANING. Everything.

I honestly can't deal with going anywhere I just feel followed, watched, and I feel like they KNOW. And I get so angry and scared and I isolate myself because I'm scared and I get angry.

I have BPD, ADHD, Anxiety and depression but I honestly don't know if that's the cause of this because I can't deal with this and being paranoid and I know logically it makes no sense but I KNOW that its all true because I can FEEL it! And its just SO frustrating to do ANYTHING because I'm so scared living on earth.

Everyone thinks I'm an outsider. Everyone just KNOWS and it bothers me so much I try to avoid eye contact and I don't know this is driving me crazy. I'm documenting everything and trying to find clues and for some reason I feel like I never run out of things to document.

And at my sessions with my psychologist, psychiatrist, and counsellors I feel like there's never enough time because I have so much things to say and I don't even know what I'm saying half the time I just can't stop talking or writing.

Also I'm at a day treatment school. So I'm with my mental health team 6 hours a day, 5 days a week.

I mean my psychologist has been asking me more questions about this stuff but like I feel uncomfortable talking to her now because I just feel like she's analyzing every movement, every time I blink, every time I breathe, how I talk and what I say....

I just feel like people are driving me crazy I hate people I hate people I HATE PEOPLE. IM scared im scared and IM SCARED.

But I still care about people. But I'm scared of them. I'm terrified. I hate living life like this but I don't know. I keep analyzing everything, every person, every object.... Keeping track of numbers, dates, times....

I can't live like this. This is exhausting and I can't deal with people knowing.

Does anyone know what this could be? I'm just so tired of this I keep getting angry because I'm scared of people and I seriously felt like beating the crap out of someone because I was so scared and I didn't know what to let my emotions out on so I cut myself and needed 32 stitches.

I'm just so done living life like this I can't deal with this!