You are not to blame for the abuse,those doctors are shameful to treat you that way.You are doing well to get through all you have been through and cope with all those mental health conditions.Hold on you will get through the surgery and the physical harm will be healed.Then you must work on healing your emotional wounds and that takes time ,patience and lots of self love.I know I have just cut my family out of my life and they abused me for the best part of 37 years,physically,emotional,verbal,mental,psychological violence aimed at using me as a slave and driving me to suicide.Never feel as if you are to blame for abuse towards you,the abuser is to blame,you have done nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of.I am here anytime you need a shoulder to lean on.PM me anytime.