I have come "home" after staying abroad for more than 7 years, because I couldn't find a job, but more importantly because I was feeling very low and lonely. I deferred my coming back for a number of months, because I was afraid to be put in a situation where I have little to no control over my life and my choices. I know how life is here, but I was hoping naively for something different. I live in my parents' home, and I am more lonely than I have ever been. My mother from day one and she bosses me around. She thinks I am still a 3 year old child who follows order and yelling. She has no respect for me whatsoever. I regret the moment I decided to go home. I sold all my stuff abroad and cancelled my medical insurance to come home.

I think my main reason for coming home was that to find someone and get married and then leave again because I was so alone and lonely abroad, but now I am wondering if this is the right reason to get married, because I don't want to drag someone in my life while I am so low and socially inept. My life is so cold and dark at the moment. I also don't have the energy to engage socially with people. Because of how things are done here, I don't have to be sociable with and impress one person, but I have to do so for her entire family. So, you have to visit her in her parents' home and talk to her parents, to her brothers and sisters, ... etc. I don't think I can do that.

I wish I didn't come home and stayed abroad. At least I would have my personal freedom. Now I feel alone, lonely, not free, and probably won't get married. I want to leave home as soon as possible, but now I have to find a new apartment, to place new furniture, and buy things ... etc to prepare the apartment. The idea of doing all of this is so depressing for me to leave now. I lived in my apartment abroad for 5 years, and it was very nice and in a quiet neighborhood. I cried when I left it because it felt like home to me.

All these thoughts make me feel helpless and hopeless.