the meltdown i had was not about this issue.. but it kinda forces it now. i begged last night on my voicemail... told him i need support. The meltdown was related to xmas.. and the very sad time it will be this year.

i was sobbing and begging for it to stop.

if he can't get there during this, then there isn't any hope i don't think. i couldn't possibly leave him now, i am far too needy for that.. i would have to wait for this dreadful season to be over.

xmas used to be my favourite time of the year

i didn't expect this.. never occurred to me that being out among the xmas stuff would hit me like this. Now i can plan shopping trips around this.. i think everyone is getting gift cards this year. i cant handle gift shopping.

no tree no decorations no celebration... my parents have said they will come here so i won't be totally alone... but i'm not sure that is better. They wont like or understand the lack of xmas during xmas.

today i feel like i have been disembowelled... part of me died, and it died a painful death. can i ever recovery? will i ever have a normal life?