I'm not sure I was ready for marriage, but I want it to work and I'm working on that. I'm also working on finding myself. I thought marriage over logically and it seemed for the best.

I just feel lost right now about some things in my life. It's definitely not the end of the world, but it's hurting my feelings.

I'm starting to open up to the idea of making new relationships. I used to get along okay when I lived alone, but once I began living with my now husband, a lot of old wounds opened up that I worry he judges me for. I suddenly became more clingy and would get lonely and hurt if he seemed to distance himself from me. He's explained that he wasn't distancing himself at all and he just wanted alone time. But my constant need for reassurances when he seems distant is hurting my self-esteem. I want the old me back that lived alone and tried hard to see the bright things in life. I didn't care nearly as much about needing anyone else, and I didn't feel as sad over relationships.

I suppose I feel less lonely, but there's a new hole in my heart that's opened up, and I can't quite put my finger on it. It's filled with feelings of unrequited love and being emotionally hurt by someone else. I'm sure many of those feelings are irrational.

I feel like I'm constantly pining after my husband, and he seems to either not notice, be annoyed, or be receptive of these feelings depending on the situation.

Yet, he's rarely if at all pining after me. It makes me feel like less of a person.

I read a lot of advice that a wife should go out and make a life for herself, but that just makes me feel more depressed. I'm totally okay with the idea of getting emotional needs met by friends, but is that to say I shouldn't get any at all met by my husband? Whenever he distances himself and ignores me, I should do the same? The thought makes me cry. I don't want to distance myself in turn.

I notice that he doesn't go to me to get his emotional needs met. He says he does, but he spends more time talking to friends than with me. We do spend time together, but he doesn't talk much. Like this morning, he didn't say much to me and when I asked if he needed time alone, he said yes. But when he left he was talking to a friend online. He's explained that it's easier for him to talk to people online than in person, so to me that means online friend is easier to talk to than in person me when he wants alone time.

So, there's that. I think that makes me realize that I really am not that important to him. He didn't really need a wife. He has friends. Maybe having a wife makes his life seem more complete? Like, he has friends, but he has someone to be affectionate with once and a while, and to help support in a fulfilling way. Plus we physically support each other, so it's safer to be married.

He does say he loves and cares about me, and the only time I see strong emotion from him is when he cries at the end of our fights.

So, there has to be love down there. Why can I not see it until then?

We've gone over what things we do to show we love each other, and to be honest, my husband doesn't usually do a lot to show he loves me except occasionally he'll get up to get something for me so I don't have to. I do really appreciate it, at least. He's only bought me one gift before, so he doesn't show love through gifts (which is fine).

I need to realize that I misinterpreted marriage. I thought it would be having someone close you can trust, like a best friend, but that's not it. It's more like having a friend who's also a roommate. You've known each other a long time and always will live together, and be physically intimate, but being really close, good friends is optional.

I'm also trying to get myself out of the whole living with someone else put me in. I think I'm making good progress now, but it took a while. I'm finally okay admitting I need some alone time, and I'm much more okay with my husband and I spending the day mostly apart sometimes. I just became so scared of how much my feelings relied on him. I felt a strong sense of love towards him, while he seemed to have never gone through that phase. That fact used to hurt me, but now I don't mind it anymore.

Any other wives/husbands have gone through this?

Thanks a bunch!

Edit: I think some of these feelings are being "edited" by a depression I'm kind of going through. Things are painted more darkly than they are, but these feelings do appear once and a while.