I can relate to what you've described. Anger is an emotion that is pretty much stomped down deep inside myself, and I blame myself for everything. I think it's that I look for escape. Escape from emotions, so I dissociate. However, I allow myself to feel guilt and shame 110% of the time.

I do have BPD, PTSD, as well as a few other mental illnesses though. I continue to fight my tendencies ~ I wish that I could stop, but it's not that easy!