*I know this is long, so if you aren't interested in my history then just the first and last paragraphs are relevant.*

A huge part of why I journeyed down the rabbit hole of dealing with my MI issues is because H and I are in the beginning stages of starting fertility treatments. My childhood was so messed up, and the last thing I want to do is mess up my children because I was unwilling to deal with my mess.

This infertility business all started when I was 14 and had to have emergency surgery to remove an ovarian cyst the size of a grapefruit that was attached to one of my Fallopian tubes. The cyst had torqued around the tube, cutting off the blood flow to it. Tube had to be removed along with the cyst. Dr. was able to save the ovary though. Gyn who did the surgery had been practicing for 25 years and said she'd never seen anything like it. My case is floating around in a medical journal somewhere.

So from 14 until I got married I was on BCP to regulate my cycle to varying degrees of success (PCOS). When H and I got married I stopped the BCP because we want a big family. So my cycles were very irregular, and my gyn at the time was unconcerned. Then in April of 2013 I was at work one night when I experienced pelvic pain and tons of blood. Wasn't sure what was going on, so I called my gyn and he wasn't concerned. I told friends who were outraged and told me to get a 2nd opinion.

I set up an appointment a few days later with a gyn in a different practice, and they run some blood work. Gyn comes in the room very animated and asks me how far along I am. I'm like, ???

They do an ultrasound and there's nothing. Miscarriage. I didn't even know I was pregnant! So the doctor sees something else on the ultrasound that was concerning so he does a biopsy.

Few days later I get a phone call saying there's a large amount of abnormal growth in my uterus, they need to put me under for an extensive D&C. Surgery happens a few weeks later, and then at the follow up appointment I hear the big C word being thrown around. Some of the polyps were premalignant. It'll probably happen again.

H and I were devastated. We were going to start fertility treatments then, but both H and I lost our jobs a few months later and I was still in college. Not a good time.

Fast forward to now. I graduated in May with my bachelors degree, and my teaching job comes with decent enough benefits to really start going at this again. Hard. Gyn thinks if the polyps come back that they'll almost certainly lead to uterine cancer, so we're being aggressive. Gyn wants me to lose some weight before we start any more fertility meds than I'm currently on. Was down 6 pounds in the last month when I went in for my check up. I go back again in May.

I know this was long and no one probably cares, but this all plays such a big role in why I'm here and working on my MI. The fact that H and I have been married for 7 years and only one failed pregnancy adds to the feelings of worthlessness and inadequately that I feel. I don't want to post to just give updates on progress, but to deal with the emotional pain that follows suit. My T is empathetic, but also a man, so he doesn't really get it.