You don't get "scarred" and "traumatized" by an activity (viewing violent porn) where you were in total control. Unless you get honest, you're just spinning your wheels. What did you expect? So you thought, "I'll come on PC, talk about what a perv I am, and readers will help me "start unraveling the mystery."? "Let's see . . . could it be due to bipolar disorder or, maybe, due to ADHD? Hmmm, which could it be?" What do you seriously want to get out of this?

You have serious problems. Life is very lonely for you, and that is going to feel worse and worse, as you get older. You do right to seek a way out of being on a path towards a very unfortunate destiny. But get real. You know perfectly well that neither bipolar disorder, nor ADHD, cause a person to enjoy violent sexual fantasies. Being obsessed with sexual violence is a disorder of its own. It can happen to go along with any other disorder you care to name. It certainly can be fueled by exposure to material that lets you experience sexual arrousal in the context of violent imagery. You may never figure out why you are susceptible to finding this imagery arousing. But is that what you most need to figure out? Would figuring that out cure your loneliness?

As you've said, you "spend a lot of time in your head, fantasizing . . . " That's not really getting you anywhere, except deeper into lonely frustration. So start withdrawing your mental energy from mental activity that is only going to make you weirder and weirder and less interesting to others, including the women you work with. I don't think you are primarily victimized by some "trauma" that you need to "heal" from. You are, now, primarily victimized by your own bad habit. You can't analyze your way out of a bad habit. You don't break the hold of a bad habit by investing more and more mental energy into it. (Of course, that is just my opinion. Others may advise you differently.)

Experts say that fascination with violent sex isn't really about sex. So I'm saying you need to start barking up a different tree. If you want to interpret that as meaning "Don't post on here anymore." then I think you are being disingenous. You're wanting to characterize this exchange as: "Gee-wiz, I came here earnestly looking for help, and I just got rebuffed. Oh well, just more rejection. Poooor me. Nothing I can do." You probably have a history of some sort of victimization. I believe most very unhappy people do. It may have had nothing to do with sex. I'm encouraging you to look at the bigger picture, and I believe you're smart enough to do that.