I know. It's like people don't talk about this stuff-it seems to happen naturally with people who were raised good.
A few things stood out there for me, like getting irritated and complaining about things. This is more extreme but related-I've seen my mother spend almost her entire life raging and complaining to others about her situation and crying victim-but after it happens once, twice...she was the one letting it happen. Things can be complicated like with domestic violence etc, i don't mean that. It was really sad, and I lost patience for sympathizing with her. I guess i wasn't as clueless about boundaries as I thought as I used to tell her to quit doing x if it made her so unhappy. No once forced her to.
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Originally Posted by lucozader
I found that really interesting, thanks for sharing it - and thank you for sharing some of your personal experience. I'm sorry it took you so long to work out what was going on for you there - but glad that you did in the end.
It turns out, actually, having read that article, that I most definitely lack healthy boundaries myself. To be honest it's not specifically something I've thought a lot about before, at least not outside of how it applies in therapy. I wonder if that's why I feel so strongly about clear and inflexible boundaries in therapy - because that's not something I experienced growing up and not something I've been able to assert for myself in the past.
ETA: Oh dear, I'm properly going on a roller-coaster of insight now... My mother was very unpredictable. I never quite knew what the boundaries were. It was painful for me. I couldn't stand for my therapist to be that way too... although I often project that stuff onto him, I think...
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^ Yes, i have only recently thought about some of this stuff too!! Also people not making their boundaries clear than raging when someone crosses it. A common example in my childhood was my father's boundary of not being disturbed when he was working. Well he worked 7 days a week..and it could be computer, reading, or physical work as he did many things. Expecting a 4 year old to be able discern when a parent is working, when it is ok or not ok to talk is unreasonable and harmful. Like being raged upon for crossing that boundary by asking for a glass or water. Reasonable and flexible would be not prohibiting a young child from merely talking; instead, telling a child they are not allowed to play the drumset when my father is home, for example. For most of childhood, I was only noticed by my father if i crossed a boundary, otherwise, completely ignored.