Not sure where to post... And maybe this is a silly tangent...

I went to a funeral today. For the father of a colleague. From the little glimpse, He was an amazing man.

Going was extremely hard for me. There has been a lot of loss in my life. I wonder if everybody says/feels that way. A song or a word or something makes you remember moments from other funerals~ usually where I was part of the family or a close friend of the deceased..

You never forget the moment they hand you that flag... "On behalf of the President of the United States.... and a grateful nation...." And Taps always hurts my heart.

The event seems different when the person is older and has lived a full life. When it's suicide, a child's service, an accident and even illness~ the mood is just different.

I was almost late even though I allowed plenty of time..nervous/anxious and sweating profusely. I cried. Alot. For a man I never knew. I was a little jealous of the incredible relationship he had with his family. They were a priority. Made me miss my grandpa~ who loved me fiercely! Made me question~ not for the first time, why my father chooses not to be a part of my life.

It felt important to go and be a part of this day for my colleague and friend-even though when I think back to funerals where I've been family, I rarely remember who came.

Today, I also realized I don't remember anything about my grandmother's funeral (memory issues are a result of my meds and treatment). That frustrates me.

As I was driving home, I started to think about what will happen when my mom dies. What I will write in her obituary~ as morbid as it seems, if I should start that now. When your brittle and broken by grief, those decisions are incredibly difficult to make (thus the huge industry of death).

I wonder if anyone will let me know when my father (estranged) dies- or my ex or my sister (we don't know where she is)...

and, as I often do, I was also wondering who (if anyone) would come to MY funeral... What kind of legacy (if any) will I leave. I don't want a service. What do they do if no one comes?

I'm probably over thinking things~ that happens quite a bit... I'm just struggling to shake the "funk" that followed the event today~ and all the thoughts and memories triggered.