I haven't posted here in awhile, although I lurk around the corners.

I, so far, have not cut in quite awhile. But I know that the pressure is building within me. I'm back to counting meds and experimenting with how much I can safely, or not, take.

I have three knives with me at all times, just in case. I have not surrendered to that urge, although it certainly would be the lesser of two evils.

All the stress of worrying about my son and just things in general, esp. with xmas coming and no money - is getting to me badly. I was supposed to go into the hospital this week, and I can't seem to believe it will happen. My son has all these functions this week, and I need to be there...........but I also need the hospital quietness and therapy to regroup.

I've been called selfish, an unfit parent, and told that I'm doing this for attention. Thankfully, I know better than that, but it still hurts deeply - esp. when it is told by someone who has known me for ten years, my own h.

Anyway, I guess I needed to voice how close the edge is lately. Thank goodness I see my pdoc tomorrow. I sent him an email that bluntly stated, "I want to die, very badly." I also asked for help of any kind.

I may have a new job next month, and I'm wondering if my body will even be able to do it. I have to have a CT scan done on the 20th of this month, because my back surgeon doesn't think last year's fusion is solid. That may mean #5 back surgery with more fusion.

How much more can my body tolerate? If not physically, then mentally? I am bone weary.........[sigh].