For most of my life I've always connected more with the wicked witch than with Dorothy. Hannibal Lecter is more fascinating to me than agent Starling. The Dead Kennedy's are much more compelling than any of the living Kennedy's and H.R. Giger's twisted paintings feel kind of comforting and homey to me.

My social history has always put me on the outside looking in and generally, my extremely dark sensibilities don't bother me. But is it from the abuse or was I just born to be like the hateful little girl Mandy in the Grim Adventures of Billy And Mandy?

The nature vs. nurture question. Or, put another way, who are we really?

Why am I so at home writing about zombies and nightmares but stare at a blank page when asked to write a family comedy? I'm not a violent person at all. So why?

Exactly who's sensibilities were beaten into me anyway?

When I follow my darker thoughts to their logical conclusion I look with severe distrust at suburban sprawls, SUVs and quaint little churches that I can only assume are filled with self possessed judgemental assholes. I've felt this way for years. But where did these feelings come from?

Junkies, lowlifes, criminals, punks, delinquents, smut peddlers, drug dealers...These people make me so much less nervous than walking around in a shopping mall.

And yes, I pat myself on the back all the time for being so dark and edgy. It's part of my self image. But I also admit to a severe hatred of myself. So who's back am I patting?

Which should I eat first, the chicken I just slaughtered or the egg it left behind? Did I know that all football players are evil homophobic pricks before they kicked my ***? Does everyone who watches reality tv have an IQ below 40?

And most important, do a lot of abuse victims develop this dark nature, preoccupied with horror movie violence and antisocial iconoclasts?

I can't change who I am but it's an interesting question.

Why the sympathy for the devil?

Why the love of the movie monster?

Where does the violence stop and I begin?

Cyran0