what you did by your decision to have and give up for adoption (if I'm understanding correctly) this child was a profound act of love. Your pain is based in your feeling that you missed out on being in his life. time for another loving decison...choosing to find peace by letting the negative go.Obviously your feelings are more complex than that but perhaps your answer is'nt...you'll difuse the negative by affirming the positive within yourself and confronting it head on. again,God Bless You for your loving choice!