Quote:
Originally Posted by Trippin2.0
Please note that I'm going to be as gentle as I possibly can via this medium, as you're unable to see my body language or hear my tone of voice, and what i might type, may come across as a bit harsh.
Have you ever considered the fact that your issues are yours, and not the responsibility of others to tiptoe around?
Yes others can be aware of them, and be considerate towards them (within reason) but IMO, we shouldn't expect people to cater to our demons and change how they do things.
It's also quite easy to wear out our nearest and dearest in this manner, and if you don't have many, you may want to be conscientious of the amount of emotional responsibility you place on another.
I was and sometimes still am, quite insecure, especially in the romance arena, but my relationship was quite unhealthy in the beginning because my thought processes and expectations were much like yours in this thread. It's like I could have written it verbatim...
How we got to healthier footing?
I took ownership of my issues and didn't expect or ask my bf to behave or act a certain way to feed my inner demons.
For example, he retreats when he's super depressed, and like you, that freaked me out to no end and drove my anxiety through the roof. Once I decided that his depression wasn't about me, and as long as he gave me a notification and didn't just randomly disappear off the grid, I made it my goal to stay sane and deal with my insecurities myself. Instead of making him feel guilty for fueling them.
Now not only am I MUCH less (sometimes zero) insecure about us, but I also have a better handle on my own emotions, because I had practiced so much "Distress Tolerance"...
He said something which I thought was very mean at the time, during one of his depression / hiding episodes.
He said: "baby, the world doesn't revolve around you" lucky for me, or him, he elaborated by saying that every single feeling, decision or thought was not a direct consequence of my existence. That just because he needs some space doesn't automatically mean I am the problem. It means what he said it means, he needs some time to be alone...
So I guess in short, even though its kind of impossible to make it sweet, please consider that fact that our issues are not other people's problems. We shouldn't expect others to dance to our "sick" tunes, instead we should try to play and listen to healthier music.
I'm sorry if I'm talking in circles or repeating myself.
I'm really sleepy and really trying to be sensitive, while delivering a potentially not so nice message....
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Thanks for taking the time to comment.
Generally speaking you're right of course but I still don't think it's right to outright abandon someone and take away all means of getting in touch to at least ask for a definite clarification.
I don't know about you but I'm always taking into account how my actions will affect others because they do, that's the truth. It's like saying if someone abuses you it's your fault if you're left traumatized by it. That's obviously a more extreme example but the general point remains. Just like it's not right to let out your anger at other people, one shouldn't hurt someone when they can help it, when it's easy to help it.
My friend didn't tell me she was coming back, she just said sorry and her short message is left up for debate, it's not going either way, and then she blocked messages on Facebook so I have no way of contacting her because I never had to use her email and now I can't find it. She can take all the time she wants but she should have just said that's what she's doing. One sentence would have been enough "I'm not abandoning you" or anything to the effect. But she didn't do that and I did nothing to deserve this pain that I can't help. I already said that if it was just a misunderstanding on my part, if she'll be back, I'll put this behind me and just tell her to be a bit clearer in the future, but if she just bailed without even telling me she's doing it, that's cowardice. If it's so unreasonable to simply expect someone not to block me out of nowhere without giving me at least a clear explanation, then I'm unreasonable and that's that.
Oh and when I say I told her about my fears, that's because I wanted to be honest and put it behind me instead of letting it fester. I wasn't saying I believed she would leave, just that I feared she would, that I had that anxiety but my rational mind knew better. But that's got nothing to do with anything right now and well I guess my irrational fears were rational in the end.
You don't have to worry though, I'll never have a boyfriend since I'm so repulsive in my masculinity. I'm not going to even try to make friends anymore because really, I don't deserve outright abandonment for no reason and life has always been trying to tell me to stop hoping or trying or looking for love and friendship and all those things I cannot have, I'm not meant to have them and that's been among the first lessons I ever got and then I kept being abandoned, mocked and ignored and discriminated against for not fitting some gender norm. Well, if this is more than my friend just taking some time and not being clear about it, if she just left without me doing something wrong, then that's the final lesson for me, I need no more, I've learned it. It's all just complete loneliness in the end and no one needs the love I have to give because no one can find any use for me or any love in their hearts for me.
She should have just told me either that she's going for good and why, or tell me she's not abandoning me and she's just doing this because it's what she does. I would have understood that, but she didn't do like your boyfriend and even though I'm on her friends list...it means nothing as long as I can't even ask her how she's doing. And if she's going to be too guilty to come talk to me, I can't contact her to say I'm not upset.
Oh and I sent her a present for her bday that's coming up, sent it way before this situation happened and the tracking system says it was delivered. She could have just said she got it, I was really excited for her to get it, sent it all the way from another continent.