Well I had an enlightening google session just now. This past weekend I lost it on my wife while visiting Chicago (my mom and kids were there too). I blew up at her over something stupid and took off by myself into the city with the idea of getting lost, in trouble.. or I don't know. I actually snapped out of it a few hours later when I saw a homeless guy with a sign saying that he had 'severe bipolar depression' AND more importantly.. I remembered we were supposed to take my kids to get their new pets at a breeder the next day (chinchillas! :-)) Sometimes it's the little stuff that puts you back on the right track. Anyway... Stuff like this has been the worst thing about my behavior and the reason why I first sought help a number of years ago and was finally hospitalized last summer .. a rage that ended up with me attempting suicide.

I've discussed this aspect with my doctors and it has never satisfactorily been explained to me. They consider it 'mixed mania'... or too much energy going bad. It makes sense in this case because I'm on like 2-3 weeks of 4-6 hours of sleep per night.. and only had 3 the night before this happened. But I just found two really good articles on 'manic rage' that describe me to a T. And my dad as well... we both do this.

I've been MUCH better since my diagnosis.. I think the lamictal definitely makes it happen less often and it definitely keeps me from simmering for a week or more like it used to. But in the short term it seems like it can still happen and it scares me. If I had found a bar shortly after that blow up... ughh. Call the police.

So.. I'm wondering about how other people experience this aspect of bipolar and how it's improved.. or not. I'm going to talk to my doctor about therapy for this. One thing that was mentioned in the articles was coming up with an 'action plan' for when the rage starts. I've actually talked to my wife about this.. telling her what NOT to do when this happens and some things that might defuse me. But it seems like she forgets or gets too upset at me to remember. So.. hoping I can work that out with her.