Pre-session days I do lots of thinking, more so then usual about therapy. Tomorrow will be my first session in 2 weeks do to my T's surgery.

I've seen this T since July, since my improvement in my head seems to be great, tho my family is unsure, and moments in therapy stand out to disapoint me, I now have doubt.

Since therapy began, my T has been very gentle, and open, but during sessions if her phone rings she answers. I had a T before who was the same, but this T whom I adore more for reasons I'm skeptic of, answers because she has children, whom have babysitters, so she wnats to make sure everythings ok.

I want to add I've become attached and sexually attracted to my T, she knows this and I AM working very hard to put this past me and go on into the theraputic relationship again.

The last two sessions before her surgery stand out as terrible and saddening for me. The first one was very emotional, I had been told earlier in the day that I couldnt see my T anymore, I went berserk on my parents, I cried, threatened suicide ( in my head to self), I even had to call a hotline to talk tosomeone.

I ended up convincing my parents to let me go and see her 1 more time ( before the beginning of the year, thats when the insurance resets). They approved, I went in , in complete frantic, I said T....I can't see you any more...she said why? She went on to say she had known our insurance was not paying, and was letting me come anyhow...OMG I thought..this woman is amazing she cares!!!!!!!!!

Then her cell phone rang...it turned out to be ( after she got off she told me) it was her ex-husband im guessing? SHe "had" to talk to him about her children , they switch off and stuff.....she was on the phone longer then normal...I began crying I mean I felt so selfish ...I slapt my self ( in my head) becuaes for all I knew someone could have died!!!!

When she got off we spoke about it, I told her I felt unwanted..she said in the past a client quit therapy over her taking calls...I was no where near quiting..I care way to much about T to quit....
She told me she wouldnt count that on my session time...so she didnt count the time on the phone.....which was great....

Then my next visit.....

This was the big one...the last week to see T for 2 WHOLE weeks!!!!! Thats along time in my world....probably for you guys too.........

SHe opened the door as normal to invite me in...when she told me I'd have to wait...she had to go pick up her daughter and take her to the sitters.....my heart sank...in two ways...1. being that I was sad she left and I wouldnt get full time in session and 2. because I was mad and I was selfish I thought to myself " she has a life...her kids are important..im just a client...blah blah blah".

She came back..apologized and smiled and asked me whats up? I was very numb the whole session mostly beacuse I knew I wouldnt get to see her for 2 weeks and I was scared....and worried about her surgery........the session seemed sooooooo short.........I cried when I left to the car.......damning myself for being so quit and damning myself for being a selfish jerk only caring about me~!!!!!!!

In the end my therapy has been very confusing...I think of my T more so then my own mother, yet I have a attraction to her I shouldn't, as well as a fear of h er leaving me alone in the world.......PLease T...don't go...my words are my feelings....you know that won't always be...........

Dustin