Candy, I can immagine only part of your pain of not having seen your son grow up. My experience has been with some of my grandkids; the two boys my daughter had and the off and on relationship my DIL allows me to have with her three kids. The baby was born premature and I wasn't allowed to see him until he was a year old.

These may be "just" my grandkids, but IT HURTS, DAMMIT!! My daughter's oldest boy is 16. I haven't seen him since he was in kindergarten. He was a troubled, abused boy. What has he gone through since then? The baby was 18 months old and attached to my hip, even when his mother was in the room.

You know what I go through with my youngest son's kids. IT HURTS!!! But there's no way it can hurt as badly as having given up your own flesh and blood!

Sometimes the pain of not having spoken to my daughter in 10, not being in touch with her sons, and all the crap I have to go through with this DIL get's to be too much! It's no wonder you developed a mental illness from having given up your son! I know *I* couldn't have been that courageous! My kid and I would have probably starved and who knows what else!

Give yourself a hug. It's allowed. and tell yourself what a wonderful mother you really are! Then set your sights on seeing that gorgeous hunk of boy one of these days! Allow yourself that hope, Hon.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Candy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

One for you and one for HIM.