I'm not sure how to use this forum, really, nor do I have a specific question. I guess I'm just desperate to identify with someone else who has my problem or see if anyone has any advice for me.

I am bi polar and my husband is extremely sensitive now even though he wasn't when we met. I have always been honest with him about my condition and he used to deal with it well and quite often diffuse my mania. However, he had a nervous break down while I was attending an intense education program last year.

Because I was never home, he kind of stopped being my husband and made a life for himself while i was busy. In return, I felt abandoned and betrayed, especially after finding out he had been making angry comments about me on another forum.

In turn, pushed him away for 9 months. Now I've graduated and we can barely get through a week without disagreeing about big things. Things are all over the map, though. We are incredibly close most times and then other times it's like he's a different person.

What's worse is that, while I am not violent or a threat, (I'm mostly a yeller) my grumpiness and unwillingness at times has convinced my husband that I need psychotherapy and medication. My past with medication has left me fearful of trying it again so it hurts my feelings that he wants me to drug myself and I've told him this.

I have reluctantly agreed to the psychotherapy and I let go of all the things that didn't go well--even some of the unacceptable behavior that began in him. For example, he began collecting pornography and has told me he no longer wants to have children with me.

He also went and gossiped with my brother-in-law about our marriage and my illness which sent rumors through my family and now I'm not allowed to see my nieces and nephews.

I have forgiven him for these things and gained control over most of my behavior issues but it's never enough. Whenever I get upset about every day things or feel a little blue, no matter how rational I am, he assumes I'm having an episode and immediately becomes defensive.

He has told me that he can do fine without me but won't leave me.
I understand that being my husband requires a lot of patience--which is why I chose this man. But now the only time we have fun together or get along is when I am doing all his bidding--cleaning, cooking, sex. I feel like a mail order bride and I feel like I can't be myself. I don't know what to do about it. And I want to have kids.

If you have any helpful words, spill em.