Erebos,

I am glad you are so grounded in your relationship with your spouse concerning your MI. As I have said in some of my other threads--I have been fixated, confused about my MI issues since my attempt on April 5, 2015--so it has been a two year journey. I was disturbed about issues with our children. You said it so well in this thread: https://forums.psychcentral.com/divo...ver-learn.html when you said, "By the way is guilt just a default setting all parents have?" I think it is for some of us. The day I attempted, I was feeling very angry at my H but the biggest reason I was angry was that I was focussing on some of his shortcomings. I think it was less painful for me to blame some of our problems, especially in regards to our childrens shortcomings on him! And it was easier to be mad at him and attempt rather than feel the anxiety and guilt in regards to my insecurities about their futures. My attempt didn't help anyone anyone that day--instead I made things worse. I allowed the pain that had been festering about my children and had been causing problems between H and I to make me do that terrible thing. I told myself in another post, that I am going to stop talking about my attempt, that I should be over it after two years but the only problem is---I really am not!! But I do think that laying my feelings out here and getting feedback has helped make me less sick. I want to be a positive force for my H and my children and I can only do that if I can be honest to myself about what I feel and what I have done. No matter how terrible it has been.

One of the reasons I am struggling tonight because it is painful that one of my children just recently made a bad choice again (not in trouble with the law or that sort of thing)--just not taking advantage of another opportunity (really don't think I should be specific about anyone but myself here). So I am trying very hard to get on the same page with my H. Need to have a tough conversation, and that is on me because they are more willing to talk to me than H--which may be another problem I caused but am trying to improve.

I cannot sleep because of the situation that I need to talk to one of my children about and am determined to do so in the morning. I have figured out than when I stop trying to be the mother I need to be, I become depressed to the point of suicidal (I am not suicidal now at all, just anxious). Once you become a parent, your life has changed forever (some of it is for the good of course!) I know I am an overanxious parent because really, I am mostly blessed. My children are healthy, have never been in trouble with the law and are currently safe at home at this very moment. Things could be so much worse. There are mothers out there who have lost their children because of violence, war or health issues. My reaction to our family situation on April 5, 2015 and at times in this thread is proof positive that I have on going serious MIs. I want to be a stronger and more rational person in the future--this is my hope and goal.