Hi, BlueberryDonut,

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I, too, have been sexually assaulted (too many times to count) and I reacted, each time, the same way you did. That produced a lifetime of guilt. I have been in therapy for about 3 years, after a bit of a breakdown, so am learning to cope with it. Out of the countless times, I only reported one time, and it made me feel even more guilt, if that's even possible. My problem is, I realize I put myself in the wrong place at the wrong time, with the wrong people. I feel for the perpetrator, they're people, too and probably have issues they're trying to deal with, too. Maybe they can't help themselves. Maybe they don't know there are people that can help. Maybe they don't realize they have a problem. Maybe they don't know it isn't right. I don't know any of these answers because I didn't take the time to find out. I just endured and walked away. So guilt consumes me because maybe I wasn't the only woman they abused. Maybe they kept on doing it ... because I didn't tell anyone. But if I had told someone and the perpatrators got in trouble for it, I would still feel guilty because I told on them. So, for me, the guilt never goes away. I just learn to deal with it. Yes, it's there and always will be but now, after therapy, I choose to not care about it ... because I know the perpetrators aren't thinking about it and it's not causing them any distress. So why should I suffer?