***Disclaimer: these are the rational thoughts of a calmed mind***
Just believe... T doesn't hate me ... fed up, annoyed, angry, frustrated.... all the way to love me... yep... and even if she does hate me like I hate her at times... it will be just a moment in time that will pass... because she doesn't hate me... not in a permanent way.

T tells me that a lack of a reply doesn't mean I don't matter and that she doesn't care about me. I believe these things. I also believe, that she does it for my own good to help me try to build tolerance towards ambiguity and anxiety. That doesn't always make me feel good, in fact often I feel like ***** about it in the moment, and can feel angry towards her for doing it. Then I get past that and I start loving her for willingness to do what she feels is best for me regardless of what she is feeling/wanting for herself. That even means replying to me when she doesn't have much to say to the not replying when she thinks I can handle it or not responding to my bursts of anger/personal attacks. To not contacting me when she wants to just because she wants to.

If I assume that she is more than just a T... that she is a person behind the role, then she has the full range of emotions in this relationship as I do. And if I apply my understanding of that range of emotions, the closest I get to is parenting -- as a parent, it is so hard to balance support, helping, loving, and fostering independence. This gives me a huge amount of empathy and respect for my T; because I know as when I was parenting how hard it was to balance all of the different things.

*** irrational thoughts of a stressed mind***
go all over the map from feeling not loved, not important, guilty, a burden, too much, do needy, angry/hatred towards T.... and the list goes on... It is not easy in those moments to know the other stuff, to remember the other stuff. If it was, I wouldn't be in therapy in the first place LOL