Dad, I still love my ex, even though he put me in the hospital,abducted my son and lots of other horrible stuff.
I love him as the father of my children.
I love him as the man I met 17 years ago.
But that man doesn't exist. Nor does the woman I was then.
I could not,would not, ever go back to him. Because I don't love or even like, nor am I attracted to the man he is now. And vice versa, no doubt.

It's the love I feel for family is how i feel for him. You don't choose your family but you love them all the same.
For me it's a lot like that.

I am sorry, I wish she was giving you clearer messages.
There are many reasons she may not want to file for divorce.
Reasons of practicality, money,appearances or maybe she is worried what her family will say.
All of the above.
It doesn't benefit her, so why do it?
She is a smart woman and knows clearly what she wants, or at least that's how it comes across.
Perhaps it's a facade,perhaps not.
Who knows.
Stay focused and grounded, take your time, only do what you can manage.
Do something for yourself each day.
Take care. All the best.